Starting Over

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot lately about the beginning of 2010. It started off with a bang - surgery, car crash, credit card theft, computer virus. They are all still impacting me, but the one I've been thinking about lately is my shoulder.

I had horrible pain in my shoulder for 7 years, and it had gotten to the point where I could not function normally. People in Seattle had told me that it was probably a tear in the rotator cuff, and that there was no way to diagnose or treat it. I was convinced to have someone here look at it, and after seeing a shoulder specialist, he determined I had calcium in my rotator cuff, and it was arthroscopically removed.

My (healthy) biceps tendon

My rotator cuff with calcium being released

I probably pushed the recovery back from surgery. 4 weeks after, I went to Bermuda and did a half marathon, and then the Harpoon ITT 2 weeks later. In addition, I had a problem with my hamstring, and could barely bend (or fully straighten) my knee. But I was so terrified about getting behind, getting out of shape again, gaining weight, that I ignored everyone that told me to take time off. I was focused on getting to Timberman 70.3 2010 and getting under 6 hours. Proving that I belonged.

However, Timberman 70.3 2010 did not go as planned. Obviously, these things happen, and you learn from it, and move on. But I didn't realize just how much I had riding on that race in my own mind. It didn't really go that badly, but in my mind, there was very little progress over last year, and that was how I was judging myself, whether I had improved or not. The only improvement was on the bike, and considering that I switched from a road bike to a tri bike, in my mind, that means very little progress at all. 

And that's the problem, my mind. I know that mental illness makes people uncomfortable, but it shouldn't. It's as much a disease as cancer. Although, I guess cancer makes some people uncomfortable too. Several (too many!) of my teammates are injured right now. And I've seen the team rally around them. But depression does not create an atmosphere for rallying - instead, it's very isolating. 

There are good days, where I plan a party for a friend, followed by bad days, where I decide I can't go to that party because I can't handle being around that many people at once. 

There are highs, where I can rejoice that the person that means the most to me in Boston achieved his dream, followed by lows, where I cut that person out of my life because I'm convinced he never cared about me at all.

Lately there have been too few good days, and too few highs.

Which brought me to a crossroads. Do I stick with triathlon, where I feel slow and a bit like a joke? Or do I quit and effectively isolate myself from everyone that I know here? Either way it felt that I was going to be starting over again.

I wrestled with this decision for several weeks, and by Timberman had decided that quitting was the best solution for everyone. After Timberman, I was even more convinced that I had made the right choice.

That's the thing about depression, it's a vicious cycle of isolating yourself and spiraling downward - until it all gets to be too much. Then you hit bottom and either end the misery or crawl your way back out. I don't know where I am in that spiral right now, but I know I've been pretty close to the bottom. I have fought against depression my entire adult life. But the triple whammy of losing my car, needing to move in with a roommate, and not being able to find a job, leave me feeling like I've lost my independence and my identity, and have made it the worst it's ever been.

After talking to several teammates at Cranberry last weekend, I've slightly revised my stance. I have been pushing really hard since January. I'm very tired. I'm not quitting the sport, but for now I'm going to avoid social situations that are not team function related. It's just too overwhelming for me, and I feel out of place. I love everyone on the team, and I like to go to races and cheer and support them, but a lot of times I don't feel like I belong. I don't know if it's only in my head, but I can't make the feeling go away.

So, let's see if I can finish this season, take a much-needed rest from training (to heal my legs, and to build my strength and flexibility before starting up again), and make it to Germany. Hopefully healthy, and (dare I say it?) happy.